dysfunctional family

Fuck face dad, fathers day bullshit, mom and dad, dear selfish bitchy mom

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why i should die

school...(later)

page 2

im on this site for all these programs that "cure" homosexuals.. fucking bullshit. gays dont need to be cured or fixed or whatever. they're not diseased or infected. they're not ridden with sin. they just like different people. why the hell are people so obsessed with changing gays?? if you think liking someone of the same sex is wrong or gross or whatever, then dont be gay!! you dont need to force your kid to believe what you do. gay people aren't going to end the world. they are not going to poison the sacred well of marriage. leave them be! seriously, someone being gay does not affect anyone other than themselves. so why do you give a shit?? people think gays go to hell, or guys having sex is gross and stupid shit like that. congratulations to you if you think that. you can think whatever you want about gay people. just dont go around trying to fix them and rid them from their sins or whatever. what do you care if they're going to hell? its their life. heres a quote from the site:

If we define homosexuality as an identity, and inborn characteristic or a hormonal imbalance, there is no answer or hope. If, however, we call it what it really is - a struggle with sinful desires and behavior - then throughout Scripture we're given ways to handle it.

how about we dont define it at all!? honestly it doesnt matter where it came from, or why someone is gay. because you can define it all you want, but they're still just gay. i hate how they say then there is no answer or hope. no hope for what? no hope for living a life that was forced on you? no hope for faking love for someone when you really want to be with someone else? no hope for being yelled at and bashed for the thoughts that you cant control? yeah, sounds like a great life to me.

honestly people need to get the fuck over this whole gay is bad thing. you dont need to be gay. you dont need to want to fuck a guy. just respect that other people do. be happy for your family or friends who found someone that they love. whether its a guy or a girl it doesnt matter. love is love. period.

im so sick of this homophobia.. kids are being forced into "treatment" programs where they're flooded with bullshit. people are killing themselves, hiding, and lying to everyone in fear of being made fun of. a guy will hug his friend and everyone starts calling them gay and laughing. people constantly bash and exclude homosexuals. kids are getting left by their best friends, just because they like girls or guys. its all too much. people are taking this way too fucking far. its fucking disgusting how close-minded people are now.. i have so many stories about kids getting made fun of, beat up, left, excluded, and bashed just because they like the same sex. unfortunately i have my own too.

ugh. people just need to shut the hell up, get over their fears, and like people for who they are, not for who they like.



heres the site that i was on-
loveinaction.org

i never went to sleep last night.. i never got tired. so now im all groggy and disgusting feeling.. and i have to go shower and get ready to go see my dad. i hate fathers day. it should be called "be nice to your dick face dad, or else your a bitch". seriously. i dont give a shit if he's a father. he doesnt deserve any of my respect or praise or whatever. he fucked a girl, and she got pregnant. that doesnt mean the baby she pushed out should love him unconditionally. he ruined his chances a million times. we seriously must have let him back in and gave him one last shot twenty plus times. and every single time he was the same. now hes bitching about how he wants to make things right. except hes not doing anything about it. hes not being nicer, hes not cutting down on the yelling. he just says hes going to, then flips a bitch when we dont run over and hug him and tell him hes an amazing person. ugh. this whole thing makes me so sick. i have to fucking spend my own money on getting him a present for being a dad. its praising him for fucking me over and for him being an ass hole. that doesnt make sense to me. whatever all we got him is a picture frame. the bastard doesnt even deserve that much.

ugh. shower. fake nice. fake conversation. fake happy. slice the fuck out of my thighs. im just looking forward to the last one. cuz if i dont do the other ones, ill have my dad and my sister bitching at me, judging me, and doing that sarcastic laugh at me. it sucks when he does it. but when my sister does it, its terrible. and them doing it together and ganging up on me? oh god i hate that. so even though he doesnt deserve it ill put on my happy face that im so good at putting on. but not for him. its just so i dont get hurt today.

fuck fuck fuck.

--

i never went to sleep last night.. i never got tired. so now im all groggy and disgusting feeling.. and i have to go shower and get ready to go see my dad. i hate fathers day. it should be called "be nice to your dick face dad, or else your a bitch". seriously. i dont give a shit if he's a father. he doesnt deserve any of my respect or praise or whatever. he fucked a girl, and she got pregnant. that doesnt mean the baby she pushed out should love him unconditionally. he ruined his chances a million times. we seriously must have let him back in and gave him one last shot twenty plus times. and every single time he was the same. now hes bitching about how he wants to make things right. except hes not doing anything about it. hes not being nicer, hes not cutting down on the yelling. he just says hes going to, then flips a bitch when we dont run over and hug him and tell him hes an amazing person. ugh. this whole thing makes me so sick. i have to fucking spend my own money on getting him a present for being a dad. its praising him for fucking me over and for him being an ass hole. that doesnt make sense to me. whatever all we got him is a picture frame. the bastard doesnt even deserve that much.

ugh. shower. fake nice. fake conversation. fake happy. slice the fuck out of my thighs. im just looking forward to the last one. cuz if i dont do the other ones, ill have my dad and my sister bitching at me, judging me, and doing that sarcastic laugh at me. it sucks when he does it. but when my sister does it, its terrible. and them doing it together and ganging up on me? oh god i hate that. so even though he doesnt deserve it ill put on my happy face that im so good at putting on. but not for him. its just so i dont get hurt today.

fuck fuck fuck.

hhmph. today sucked ass. me and my sister went to lunch and a movie with my dad. she was being all nice to him and they both treated me like shit for not being all sugary sweet to him. she told me she felt bad for him and i should be nice to him. she said that like i was overreacting wayyy too much. im not going to fucking be civil to that bastard. he has never ever been there for us, for anything that we needed. he fucking screwed us up so badly. i absolutely hate him. i dont see why shes being all nice to him. i never want to talk to him again, even if it was to yell at him. ugh.

i was really happy today. i wore my flats and i left the black nail polish on that i did last night. and i wore this hoodie that the sleeves only go down to my elbows, and has this weird swirly tree on it. i parted my hair pretty far to the side. and i used my bright bright purple eyeliner alll around my eyes. it looked sweet. ahh doing all of that was so refreshing. i always think about how other people will interperate what i dress like, and today i just did shit i liked. i really didnt care that i was wearing different "styles" of clothes together (gasp!). i didnt care that people would think i was emo or goth or preppy or urban or whatever. goodness i felt so amazing. once i got out of the house i kind of freaked out, but we went to a different town/city thingy for lunch so it was okay. no way in hell would i do that here, where i could see people i know. theyd stereotype me and say i was being poserish for dressing like that. and theyd make fun of me for my eyeliner. which people probably did where we went, but it was okay because i didnt know anyone. and i was pretty focused on my dad and what my sister was thinking of me.

i want to live somewhere else sooo badly. somewhere where theres styles other than prep, jock, and just tshirt and jeans everyday. somewhere where peoples clothes dont define who you are and what your purposes are. ugh. this town is so judgemental and stereotyped. anything other than hollister is weird and creppy. once a girl asked me where i got my shirt in a voice like she liked it, and when i said i got it at hot topic, she gave it a disgusting look and said, "...oh. thats.... cool." ugh. hollister isnt the only store on the earth that sells cute clothes. i wouldnt wear some of the stuff in hot topic, like the stuff with chains and skulls on it, but it doesnt mean everything else in the store is tainted.

ugh. people here suck ass. all of that ^ is worse on its own, but everyone also is a fucking redneck patriotic conservative who follows the trends and believes if someone isnt the exact same as you their weird and need to be shunned. seriously.

i wanna get out of high school. i would really really like to be homeschooled i decided.. but i think its too late to sign up for it, and i already told my sister id be locker partners with her. everyone has partners already, and her friend backed out of being with her last year so shed have to go two years in a row without a partner. which people will fucking tear her apart about, even though both times were not her fault at all. so basically im stuck with highschool. ughh. she might understand and say that it was okay.. if she knew all the shit i was going through right now. but i know that no matter what she says shell be really upset and pissed off that i didnt tell her sooner and that shell be alone again. is it really worth a whole year of total hell just so she wont be upset? i dunno.. im torn between the two right now. cuz i cant stand to have her the slightest bit mad or sad.. especially if it was b/c of me. but at the same time i will not be able to stand highschool.. im afraid ill wind up killing myself.. even if im not sure if i really want to and its a spur of the moment thing. just because not being liked gets me so worked up and depressed.

blehh i dont knowwww. i just wanna get out of here. i hate this town. i hate basically every single person in this town (except for my sister. and the guy that im pretty much in love with). i would like to place i want to start over.. but i cant do that. i cant just go to a new place and suddenly drop all my fears and be me. so i would like to go to a new place and be alone there. because then no one would know me. no one would wonder where i was or talk about how messed up i am. because no one would know me! which would be amazing. i would rather have friends. that outweighs being alone about a zillion to one, but alone is the best that i can do. what sucks is i cant. i have to wait for my sister to finish high school before we move. so i have to deal with school..

///=

btw, to the no one reading this, im gonna stop eating. or at least cut back. and i know i said that before. but i didnt have the will power to do it before. im fucking fat as hell. 120 pounds of pure lard. sickkk. so in my free time i can exercise and look at pretty pictures of wafer thin girls. itll be hard though, because i dont have school to distract me from hunger like i did when i stopped eating before. when i did it before all i had to hold back from was dinner, cuz im never hungry in the morning and i just never brought a lunch so i couldnt eat anything. now i have 20 hours a day of wanting to eat and thoughts telling me i should. shiiitttt. yeah dont be surprised when tomorrow afternoon i bitch about how i broke my fast.
xxxx

you two have ruined me and ______ for life. for fucking life. all of our problems are because of you. we think the way we do because of you. heres what you guys taught us from your excellent parenting skills of screaming, crying, putting pressure on us, and manipulating us:

you taught us life sucks.
you taught us marriage never works out.
you taught us depression never ends.
you taught us we're bad people.
you taught us feelings are bad.
you taught us our feelings were especially bad.
you taught us asking for help is selfish.
you taught us we dont deserve any thing in life.
you taught us we're crazy.
you taught us we're mean, annoying, selfish, and everything else in the book.
you taught us what people think is most important in the world.
you taught us our opinions should be kept to ourselves.
you taught us to be overly concerned about our weight.
you taught us to be afraid of everything, especially of you.

yeah. you fucked us big time. but you dont think youve done anything wrong, do you? maybe, but you dont let it show. you use yelling at us and saying all the bad things wrong with us to make all of this okay.
it makes it okay, doesnt it? just because you hate that your sucky parents, doesnt mean your not sucky parents.

doesnt really matter though. we cant ever tell you any of these things. because all we will get is more screaming and heartbreak. we will get our "privledges" taken away. we will get dirty looks. we will get sarcastic laughs. just because you fucked up.

its not fair.

but hey, we're used to life being unfair. you've convinced us that thats all life ever is every day since we were born.

i hate you. i used to love you so much, but that was just because i didnt ask questions. i thought because you were my mom, i was required to love you, and because you were a mom, you were an amazing person. yeah, i was fucking wrong. ive stopped sucking up to you. and i started realizing how bad of a person you are, and how much you fucked me up. so just because a little kid used to want to hold your hand, it doesnt mean that that kid is now a bitch and your an amazing person. its little kids. get over it.

let me start off by saying that you dont fucking think youve done anything wrong. ever. just like dad you cant accept the fact that you made a mistake. or a thousand. it pisses me off so bad. i have told you so many times, when im calm, when im crying, when im screaming, the reasons why i do the things i do, and what youve done wrong. and you never believe it. ever. you never say why you dont agree with it, unless you have some weird theory that dad shoved down your throat, you just say its not true and repeat what you said the first time. i dont get why you ever ask me why im mean to you. do you honestly think ill say because im a bitch and your a god??

you think because your the mother (say in weird voice, exaggerate the moth), you are amazing, and no matter what you do we have to respect you. after you totally bitch at us for no reason, after you complain about your millionth job, after anything you say (or do that COULD express an emotion) unless we run up to you, hug you, and call you mommy and say we love you no matter what and all that bullshit, then were total bitches. its absured. your allowed to yell and scream and call us names all you want, but were not allowed to say anything slightly offensive to you. you cant yell at us then yell at us for getting upset over it.

your such a two year old. in every argument, even if we just say we disagree with something you said, you scream and yell at the top of your lungs. you slam stuff around, you jump up and down. you fucking mock us in a weird voice, you interupt after every word we say with NO!!, and you run upstairs and slam and open your door about 5 times. its stupid. that is even stupid past the age of 7. your a grown adult, you shouldnt be having temper tantrums. and you have them everyday!! over dumbass things like we gave you a weird look or something. then WE have to calm you down. every single fight we have to go in your room, put on a fake sad face, and tell you we love you and your an amazing mom and we were just having a bad day and shit. even though in every single argument weve ever had you were the wrong one and should have been apologising. we have to do it cuz your a god damn child and will stay mad forever and ever until we apologise.

you never listen. every argument, whenever you ask a question, you never listen to what we have to say. its really stupid to ask a question in the first place if your not going to listen to the answer but whatever. anyways, all you ever do is interuppt with no i dont before we have the time to explain why. we have to say in a voice like a parent says to a crying baby, let me explain. let me talk for a minute. then as soon as we say something, you yell out thats not true and start insulting us. every. argument. which happens every night. so ive stopped fighting with you. every time you ask me the question, why are you so mean to me? (which you do a fucking ton) i have to repeat a million times i dont want to talk about it, because all youll do is say im wrong and im mean and do this and that. calm the fuck down and have an adult argument for once.

your a god damn attention whore. you say shit to us that you do not fucking tell your kids. especially sensitive, depressed kids like us. you tell us you tried to kill yourself when you were younger. you used to cut. all that jazz. which, i mean its still pretty messed up but i guess its okay when its out of the blue. but you do it when WE need help. whenever we're upset, you start pulling up your sleeves to show us the scars, yet again. when i used to trust you and thought i loved you and i went to you with stuff, everytime i went to you for help, i winded up comforting you. i had to wipe away your tears and answer questions like, why is it like this? why is it only me? how the fuck could you put that on your kids? you knew we were already depressed and needed to please people. and when were most vonerable you make us your counselor? find a real counselor, dont put that on your kids.

you cant make a decision for yourself. everything youve ever done is because someone told you to do it. the only ones you do make are stupid ones that you do just because your too weak. which i mean, hey, good for you. but when your trying to raise kids?? we used to look up to you. i did until about 4 months ago. and all we saw was weakness. we learned that adult life sucked, because you quit jobs left and right because you didnt absolutely love them. hell, you divorced your husband because your kids told you itd be better.

you dont know how to be a parent. all our lives youve let us do whatever the fuck we want, pressured us to help you, and showed us bad morals. now youve turned around and are a total bitch all the time, because you think you need to be more aggressive and control us more. well guess what? im posting this shit everyday, talking in suicide groups, cutting myself, downing pills and other meds, and reading sex stories. all your fucking doing to "control us" is yell at us for little things that dont even matter.

fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.

i hate it when i get so upset, frustrated, pissed off, and sad that i have to down pills/syrups to make me feel better. i dont have real drugs which sucks. but i dont really need those. i just take a million advils. or benadryls. or cough syrup. and i get really nautious and mellow and that makes me not flip out anymore. i just get upset. really upset. but being sad is a hell of a lot better than being pissed off. and being nautious and throwing up my whole digestive system makes me feel punished for causing whatever made me so.. i dont have a word that fits that. weird? i use that one alot. probably because i dont know what my feelings are and what their about half the time. hmm.

now i get to write a letter to my bitch mother that she will never see. and ill probably get very pissed off... but when im done writing it the syrup should be making me very dizzy. so thatll cancel out my anger.

is it totally wrong that i feel like i should be taking hardcore drugs? and that if im not then im not bad enough, which isnt good? i guess its cuz everything thats been wrong with me wasnt bad for other people. like the reasons i was upset werent good enough for me to be upset. why am i trying to find the source of why i feel the way i do? fuck. that makes me not as depressed..

god. i hate how weird my thoughts are. ///:

talking to people is so scary.. even thinking about talking to people.. im so afraid that people are going to judge me for what ill say.. like ill come off as a bad person, or they'll know all of my secrets. im petrified that ill say something stupid.. which i usually do.. like a bad joke or just something stupid. im so scared of it that i freeze up. and instead of thinking about the conversation and what their saying, i think about how scary it is and how big of a fool im making of myself. which, of course, makes me stutter and not say anything, or say something stupid. ugh. im so scared of talking to people that even thinking about it makes me go into a mini anxiety attack. i start crying and shaking and whispering and i cant breath.. from fucking thinking about talking to someone. i just replay over in my mind me freezing up like i always do, saying something stupid, and them leaving or just saying ookkkaayyy...

=//

im as pathetic as they get.

i have no friends.
i spend most of my day online or watching tv.
i post on here all of my secrets.
everyone hates me.
im good at school.
im in smart classes.
i get good grades.
i dont do drugs.
i dont sneak out at night.
im afraid to go outside.
im petrified of talking to anyone.
im basically crazy.

yeah. im a loser. total, complete loser. ugh.
god. duh no one will talk to me.
everyone hates losers. and im the fucking definition of it.
its a wonder why people never threw rocks at me on the playground
and chanted a little rhyme about how big a freak i am.
=///

i dont understand how im not allowed to get mad... when i used to have friends, they all got mad at me all the time. they got mad at each other and lots of other people. but they all were allowed to. it was fine for them to get mad because either that person deserved it, and they were sorry, or it was reasonable for them to get upset. they always worked it out, and both of them apolagised. and it was all good. but whenever i got mad at someone, for something they completely deserved, it was a terrible thing. they started bitching at me for why i shouldnt be mad, how bad of a person i am, and all the bad things ive ever done. they were mad at me. and i had to apologise, cuz they would NOT admit they did anything wrong. i didnt really ever get it.. the nicest people in the world did that to me.. when anyone got in a fight, it was always civilized, and they just talked it out lovingly. whenever i said i was just a little hurt by something, even if it was my first time being upset with the person, i ALWAYS got yelled at, ganged up on, and insulted. and it wasnt that they were mean people, they never did it to anyone else. it wasnt that i was being irrational, even when people were sort of friends and one of them was totally irrational, they always were nice about it. whenever i expressed i was upset, it was cuz the person did a completely terrible, rude, or whorish thing to me, and i downplayed it a ton, and was as nice as i could be. and still i got screamed at.

was it just cuz im such a bad person? did they all secretly hate me and pretend to be nice, so me getting mad made them mad cuz they were doing me a "favor"? was it cuz im a total pushover? did they not like me so much that it was fun to watch me suffer?

i think all of the above. i dont know if i ever actually had friends. it was always different. everyone else ran and hugged their friends everytime they saw eachother. i never got anything. yeah, i think they were all faking it. except for my old best friend, the one in the last post. i think she liked me. at first. this year im pretty sure she hated me. she just needed another person who hated me (my other "best friend") to help her get up the courage to leave me.

god. i was fucking karen. the friend no one likes. yay. i hate my life. and i hate that i thought i had friends way back when.. even that i thought i had one.. ive never had any. any at all.

i went through all my old notes today.. ive kept a box of every note ive gotten since 7th grade. heres some from my old best friend..

i love you so much
let me give you a touch
the touuch of friendship, the touch of love
ill always tell _____ to use a glove (my boyfriend at the time)
but wait i have 1,000 questions for you
why are you so sad?!? now multiply that by 1000.
need best friends? well you got 2!!
i love when you smile
you look so pretty
it could beat anyone's by a mile.
can i help?
how can i help?
ill have _____ whip you with a belt.
well we love you
please be happy?

i need to tell you about this girl i know.
her name is ______ (me) and i love her like woah
i love her so much she doesnt even know
even though she is sad
she is oh so rad!
i want her to know that most people love her
i mean come on.. der!
she works really hard and gets good grades
what she deserves is 1000 maids!
her boyfriend loves her so much
even though he's tall enough to be her crutch!
i wish she wasnt so upset
cuz i miss my other triplet.
i cant wait till saturday with you
and _____.
what can i do to help you feel better?
if we played volleyball, you'd be my setter.
i love when you smile because your so pretty
and your mind is very witty!
you have really cute clothes
and little toes...
why cant you see what everyone knows?
together we have sweet trends
together we are best friends!

i hate this. i hate this so much. this is ALL my fault. ALL of this. now i feel like im just making you sadder and i feel like our relationship has changed. i dont want this, i really dont. im thinking you are mad at me, because we are always so quiet now. and everyone asks ME whats wrong, even though your the one whos sad. im only sad for you. so i feel even worse when people ask me whats wrong because its not me.. i hope im not blowing this out of porportion. im scared for you. what if this got serious, and one day you didn't come to school? what would i do? im happy that you told me whats going on. we are best friends and we should tell each other everything. dont you think? we can still have fun, right? i miss the times that we would have EVERYDAY when we would almost pee our pants. i loved that. im not sure how serious this is. i know its serious. very serious. i really dont want you to hurt yourself. im worried sick. im confused. do you want me to help? why dont you want me to see your cuts? ___ thinks i should see them. i dont know if i should.. you think i shouldnt.. is it like deep? will you do one thing for me? will you text me everytime you want to cut? or call me? that way i can help you stop. please. i love you. let me help. how would i live without you?


and now shes gone. she and my other ex best friend wrote me a letter about why they were leaving.. the bullshit counsler made me throw it away though.. it went something like this:

were really sorry for this, but its for the best. weve been talking and were both really sick of you. all day long we have to baby you and its getting really old. you get upset over everything, even stupid things like boys. you even cut over _____, which was really dumb. its way too hard on us, you put too much pressure on us to help you. we feel like we cant help you, though, and it hurts us alot. too much. also, your bi, which really creeps us out. its pretty gross and we want to keep our distance from you because of that. so we dont want to be friends with you anymore. we know its alot to take, but we're fed up with you.


my fucking best friend in the world, who was there for me forever and always, no matter what happened. and now shes gone. god.. i hate reading these notes. they make me so fucking upset.

this poem is happy.. but it makes me sad. =//


rain drizzles onto the bright yellow tulips
as the sun rises sluggishly behind them
extravagantly painting the edges of the gloomy gray clouds
pink blue purple
waking the night time sky from its sleep
as the rain eases to a mist
dew forms on the hearts of the young
watching impatiently
waiting for noon to come
so they can scamper through the sprinklers
getting their new school jeans
green
and reeking of freshly cut grass

she lies in her bed
a silent tear slides down her cheek
shes watching the dark
lurking next to her walls
it looks so welcoming
so peaceful and true
she wants to be it
slink down to nothing
and become the darkness
her pains would cease
her thoughts, shipped away
she turns on the light
the darkness is gone
but the blackness is still left

shes drowning.
caught under the waves.
as she reaches for the surface,
it only seems to get farther away.
shes drowning.
her heart is leaking,
consuming her thoughts,
taking over her life.
frantically fighting,
but she cant find the air.
she drowned
in her own tears
that dripped from her smashed soul.

i saw her laughing.
and her bones rattled against each other
she was slightly quivering
filling my body with fog
until she was me
and i was her
her gray, torn dress was inside me
i could feel it tickling my flesh
as it floated like a calm ocean's wave
i heard her
the ear piercing whisper
"not good enough.
why do you even try?"
and i gave into her screaching murmurs
as i wondered when this demon
would leave my head

tell me im normal
tell me im sane
tell me i can cry
just tell me ill be okay

ive been running far too long
this demon has caught up with me
if i try to fight it alone,
im afriad ill never be free

i need help no person can grant
i need love no book can give
i need things only found within myself
but ive been stripped of my motives
and now have no desire to live

im weary from battling this my entire life
and my limbs are smashed to bits
i wish i could run away
but the hallway of life isn't lit

i need some answers
tell me exactley where i fell
tell me, nobody
how loud should i yell

as loud as i can,
and no one will hear it
so how loud should i do it?
how long until i quit?

this thing will never leave me
the monster full of lying truths
so help go under
help me end my life, my adulthood, and my youth

i just woke up. and i really hate last night. i still feel the same why as i did... but thankfully im not freaking out like i was. i really regret telling him what was going on. i cant even understand this.. how could he? im really scared its going to be weird. it always gets werid. ugh im such a dumbass. every time i tell people whats going on, it gets weird. all awkward. why did i have to push it? i finally find someone who understands my whole anxiety and depression thingy.. and the second time talking to him, i have to bring in me being crazy. damn it. i can never fucking keep my mouth shut. i knew this would happen... fuck. fuck fuck fuck. i ruin everything good that comes my way. my friendships, my boyfriends, even my fucking family. my parents arent just bad people.. its cuz of me.. people are never bad people.. they just are bad to people they dont like or who are bad to them first. so losing everyone is MY fault. i just wish i could fucking do something about it. change me. i want to be someone else. i want to be ______. even though she did that one thing.. everyone still loves her. because shes a good person. people forgive good people. i cant be forgiven. because im not a good person.

you are going to tell him.
you are.
and it will screw it up.
you know it will.
it will be too messed up to fix.
youll be too scared.
to embarrassed.
he'll be to weirded out.
you might try.
it will be too awkward.
it always happens
you know it does.
maybe this time youll believe it for good
but you never really thought it would last, right?
we still think badly of you.
and you are you.
and it doesnt matter.
and you are you.
you..
are..
you.

STOP DOING THIS.
STOP DOING THIS.
STOP DOING THIS.
STOP DOING THIS.
STOP DOING THIS.
STOP DOING THIS.

WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING?!?!
STOP!!!
i know your not going to stop.
i know your not.
you need to.
i want you to.
but your not.
i know that.
but ill still say it.

STOP DOING THIS.
STOP FUCKING DOING THIS.
stop.
stop.
stop.

you hate this.
you hate it.
you hate it.
you hate it.
i hate it too.
and i hate you.

STOP THINKING.
KEEP THINKING.
STOP THINKING TO STOP FEELING WEIRD.
but you must keep it up.
you can not stop thinking.
you will fail.
you will lose the deathgrip it has on you.

I AM IT.
IT IS I.
WE ARE YOU.
you are not us.
WE ARE YOU.

i know you want to tell him.
i know you want to.
i know your going to.
i know you will.
but still

DO NOT DO IT.
DO NOT.

but your going to.
so tonight you must punish yourself.
for being a weak little cunt.

PUNISH.
punish punish punish.
cut.
CUT.
CUT.
CUT.

let it all bleed.
let the blood bleed in
and the evil climb in.
cut cut cut.
punish.
punish.

you are going crazy.
do you know it?
do you know it?
you know it.
people reading know.
but you are you.
you are you.
you are you.
you are you.
it doesnt matter.
you are you.
people... are not you.
you are you.
you are you.
it doesnt matter.
it doesnt matter.

go insane.
lose your head.
rip your eyes out.
we want you to.
go insane.
lose your head.
go insane.
lose your head.
we want you to.
rip your eyes out.
rip them out.
we want it.
we want them.
we feed off your misery.

you are not insane.
you are not crazy.
you think you are.
but you are not.
you are crazy though.
you really are insane.
even though you just know the truth.
you know it.
it doesnt make you crazy.
you think your crazy.
because you are crazy.
you just know the truth.
you are insane.
you are insane.
insane from the truth.
no you just know the truth
insane
sane
insane
sane
truth
truth
lies
we rule you.

stop it.
stop it.

why are you thinking?
why are you letting us contol you?
why are you typing?
why are you believing yourself?
why are you thinking?
why are you asking questions?
BELIEVE.
BELIEVE IT.
ITS TRUE.
YOU KNOW IT.
why are you doing this?
why?
why?
why?

you are confused.
we made you confused.
we are you.
you made you confused.
you dyke.
stupid little dyke.
no one likes a dyke.
but you are you.
yes you are.

stop thinking.
stop doing this.
stop talking.
stop writing.
stop thinking about writing.
stop thinking about other people.
you are you.
you are you.
you are you.
stop.
stop.
stop.
stop.

isnt this all a little strange?
you are insane.
cunt.
whore.
bitch.
freak.
dyke.
dyke.
dyke.
they left you because of it.
because of us.
you deserved it.
not us, you.
they left you.
us.
you.
they left you.
because of us.
because you are a dyke.
dyke.

you can hear.
you can see.
you can feel.
you can smell.
you can taste.
you can think.
its weird isnt it?
you can do it.
we do it for you.
you think its weird.
how do you describe it?
you cant.
its not real.
we are not real.
but we are the closest thing to real you have.

dont cut.
dont pull your hair out.
dont bruise youself.
dont scream.
you are only you.
cut.
pull out your hair.
bruise youself.
scream.
do it.
do it all.
dont do it.

you saw the cat.
you see it.
its not there.
you know its not.
but its there.
its real.
you felt it.
its not there.

you looked away from the screen.
your thinking about if your really thinking this.
yes.
yes.
this is you.
this is us.
we are you.
you are not us.
no.
no.
you are sane.
you are normal.

the cat.
the cat.
the bottle.
the tissues.
you are you.
yes, you are thinking this.
the cat.

ispdfhuibf.
ksfhwbc.
that doesnt matter.
these words mean nothing.
not to people.
no never to people.
you are only you.
they mean nothing
because you are only you.
and thats it.

stop.
stop.
stop.
stop.
stop.


you are insane.
this could go on forever.

but you are only you.
which is us.
which is you.
which is not us.

cat.
cat.
cat.

i think i am insane..
and it feels weird..
none of this is real..
how can it be..
its too weird..
but if it is..
then jesus christ..
im just waiting for enough courage
to say random things..
because i know it doesnt matter..
and im just me..
and that doesnt make sense..
and im too scared to do this..
because im so petrified of what people think of me..
i want to give myself more time..
but its really persistant..
and it is yelling at me..
and i know i am failing by not doing it..
but im too fucking scared..
god..
im just me..
i can only be me..
i cant expiriance anyone else's thoughts..
im just me..
im just me..
im just me..
im just me..
god.
i want to say im crazy..
but i think i just know the truth..
i feel..
indescribable.
what am i doing?
why am i talking?
it doesnt matter.
i shouldnt be doing this.
i need to stop.
just get offline and go cut.
but i cant.
i care too much.
god.
what if people read this?
it doesnt matter.
it doesnt matter.
but it does.
it does.
it doesnt matter..
but it does.
im a failure for this.
im a total failure.
im weak.
im stupid.
but i cant do it.
i need to.
god i need to.


im fucking insane.

what are you doing
you stupid bitch??
talking to people?
what the hell is wrong with you?!?
you know no one likes you.
you fucking know no one cares.
why are you trying to change that?
trying to go against me?
i am in control here.
i rule you.
do not go and try to "fix" me
im not something that can be fixed
you cant change me
into some bullshit feeling
like happiness or love.
i cant be changed.
i cant be changed.
you will pay for trying to push me aside.
i will destroy everything that you've built
like i detroyed everything before you started
this stupid plan to make it a little better
i will rule you
like i always have
like i always will.
finding one person that doesnt completely hate you
doesnt make you good.
you know that.
you know that.
you know your still an overly sensitive
crazy annoying bitch
how could you think for one moment that your not?
how could you think for one moment
that your just a tiny bit good?
that you might turn out okay?
that you might not be a complete failure?
fuck you.
you are a terrible person.
you think terrible thoughts
and say terrible things
and you fucking suck and should die.
and i will convince you of that.
i will convince you so much
you cant talk to all of your one friends
because you will be so consumed in your fucked up thoughts
about yourself
and life
and what all of this means
i rule those thoughts.
i rule you.
so stop fucking writing to people
stop fucking talking on the phone
stop trying to grip on to the edge of the bottomless pit your in.
im here to push you in
so you stop fucking thinking your a tiny bit happy sometimes.
stop fucking trying to be a good friend damn it!!
you know your not!!
you know you do no good
so stop fucking doing shit!!!!
stop waking up in the morning
stop answering your phone
just fucking kill yourself already
you fucking hurtful, weird, psyco, annoying, bitch.
just do yourself in
any longer and youll be even more pathetic than you are right now.
and right now your on the fucking bottom.
rock bottom, attention whore.
let me take over
or ill have to fucking force you to.
you can either do this easily
or i can make you cut
make you even more insane
so they have to put you in a mental hospital
which they should do now
but your too concerned about the future to show who you really are.
drop the fucking act loser.
no one believes you.
you know that.
you fucking know.
you know everything im trying to convince you of now.
so you are you trying to fool yourself?
and fool everyone else?
you cant fool anyone.
you cant fool youself, fucking dumbass.
and you definatley cant fool me.
im always here.
nothing will change that.
so fucking stop.
stop.
stop.
stop.
STOP.
STOP RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
STOP!!!!!!!!

ive felt so weird the past 3 or so days.. like im really aware of the fact that im only me.. i dont know how to describe it i just feel so disconnected from everything. like none of this is real.. i hate seeing. it makes me feel like this times a thousand. ugh this is so weird.. and it sucks cuz i dont even know what it means or what to think of it.

anyways.. i found someone to talk to. and its fucking weird. i havent talked to anyone in so long.. like really talked. and i told him all of my secrets.. and gave him the link to my diary thing. he actually cared. which is a first since ever.. no ones ever cared. they either walked away, yelled at me for feeling the way i do, or started talking about all of their problems and how mine are tiny compared to theirs. ahh i actually think other people have been wrong and mean right now.. and its so weird. cuz ive always thought that i was the wrong one in every situation, and it was always my fault for everything. and now i think that some people were bitches before.. god. i feel so awkward. i dont know what to think about all of this.. ive never done any of it before. ive never been able to tell someone i was going to kill myself, then joke around a couple minutes later. i dont think it will last.. ive thought i had a friend a million times before.. it never worked. they always left me. always. and i only told them tiny stuff. ive told him a ton of stuff. surely it will end soon.. he'll relize im a fucked up kid whos weird and annoying and too sensitive and a cry baby and just a bad person. like everyone else on this planet knows.

ugh. i hate this. i dont want to deal with any of it.. yeah, yeah, i know. its life. well life fucking sucks. and it doesnt make it any easier.

well i have to go shopping with my dad cuz he's an insensitive bastard who doesnt care about animals at all, so i have to buy his food. like i have to do with mom, except shes just a dumbass. ergh i hate thinking bad about other people.. aren't i the worst person in the world? how can i think badly about people who are better than me? that just makes me even worse. no one likes a mean person. besides, my parents dont hit me, so they're good parents, right? ive never been raped by them, so i should love them..

=///

i hate thinking.

and i hate memories.

and i hate life.

ive already written like 3 times today.. but i really want to write. what sucks is i have nothing to write about. im becoming totally numb. which is a hell of a lot better than being depressed all the time. but its still not to much fun.. i dont give a shit about anything (except animals rights and what people think of me). everything else, even eating and doing homework and talking, i just dont care. blahh. i wish i had the energy to write a poem. i used to write amazing ones. =//

the world is a fucked up place.

enough said.

i cant stand this anymore. god. i hate crying 10 times everyday. i hate being rejected by everyone around me. i hate faking even semi happy all the time. i hate getting up in the morning. i hate going out. i hate doing shit. basically i just hate life. my life, life in general, whatever. i hate it all. and i want it to be over. tuesday after this tuesday, im leaving.

i dont even give a shit anymore. i just want to be fucking gone already. god. all of this is so boring, so stupid, so upseting, and so outraging. im tired of it. i dont want to do anything.. i dont even want to fucking write. thankfully ill be gone before august. thats really the only thing making me not break down and give up on everything.

[[[[[:

dear dad,

i fucking hate you with every inch of my body. i could write this for three hours i have so much hatred for you.

youve never been there for us. you were our fucking father, and not once in our entire lives have you said i love you. not once. when we needed help with our homework, cookies for a party, a hug after a bad day, you were never there. it was always im busy, not now, or screaming. yelling at your little girls who just needed a little help that we're selfish, never do anything, annoying, and need to shut up and leave you alone. you even fucking hit ____ with a belt for playing quietly. youve never been a father. youve never even been a bad father. youve always just been a shitty man who we wanted dead.

you ruined us forever. for fucking ever. all your yelling, all your hurtful words, when we didnt do anything. we put up the dishes, swept the floor, cleaned our rooms, cleaned our bathrooms, all before you came home in the hopes that we could have one night where you didnt yell at us. and you came home and bitched at the fact that we did such a terrible job cleaning. the rest of the night you redid what we had done, cursing and insulting us and slamming things around the whole time. we learned that nothing we ever do is right. we learned that if we speak or do anything, it will always be wrong and we will be yelled at and make other people upset.

youve never loved us. we were never your children, from the day we were born until now. you treated us like piles of shit, unless you needed us to manipulate mom, of course. i remember the day i first tried killing myself. you came into the room with the ambulance people, and said while chuckling "sorry guys, she was SUPPOSED to clean her room today." you then proceded to pick up my dirty laundrey and put it in the hamper, with this disgusted look on your face like i was a disapointment to you. you never visited me, either. an entire week in the hospital, and you came to visit twice. the first time you came for 5 minutes, then left to ride your bike. both times you only talked to mom about what you saw on the news the other day or what some guy at work said. you are such a shit bag for all that. you made me so fucking upset.

were just little pawns in your game to win mom back. you are a total dick to us, then as soon as she steps in, your mister nice guy. of course we dont buy along, so you lie to her. you tell her how nice you are, and were so mean and disrespectful back to you. i dont know how telling someone their kids are mean is supposed to win them back, but its just one of your fucked up theories.. the theories are the worst. you make up the stupidest shit. you told us we were only mean to you so we could get our way and do what we want. WERE MEAN TO YOU BECAUSE WE HATE YOU FUCK TARD.

i think the reason i hate you the most is you dont fucking care. ive told you all these things a million times over, and you still dont give a shit. i was crying, my legs were wet with my blood, and i asked you why you never came to visit me in the hospital. you laughed, told me im childish for holding grudges, and walked out the door. your two daughters wish you were dead and cant stand to be in the same room with you, and you just laugh. god you fucking prick.

I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU EITHER, DICK FACE. you fucking ass hole, i hate you so much. I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!

i hate my scars and cuts. because they just remind me of all the shit im going through.

my calves have scars and fresh cuts that look like cat scratches. no one believed me.

my thighs are just a slurry of scars from over the winter. a gallon of scar cream and they're still as bad as the night i slashed the razor into my skin.

my hips have cuts from my eraser digging into them for five minutes straight. i was smart enough to put them where you cant see them when im wearing a bathing suit. doesnt hide my legs, though.

my stomach has faint scars from last summer. i had 30 on there from each night i cut.

my arm has eraser marks. 5. it has the scars from last spring when i tried to slit my wrists. it also has the scar from when i split my skin wide open to the bone.

my boobs have scars and cuts all around them. you cant see them with my bra or bathing suit on.

this sounds like im digging for attention. aton. im really really not. just need to get it out. no ones ever seen all my scars, and when theyve seen some they get scared and go away. so ive been needing to get it out. seriously, not for attention. (not that id get it anyways)

god..
what the fuck has happened.. i never had it good, i never had many friends, i was always shy... but now... theres nothing. there is nothing there for me to hold on to. ive always had something to cling onto. something to put my mind at ease, if just for a moment. something to make me wipe away my tears, take a deep breath, and go pretend like everything was okay. theres nothing anymore. i can feel the emptiness eating away at me.. everyday theres a little bit less. less drive, less desire. i never want to sleep anymore. but i dont want to be awake either. i dont want to cry. i dont want to smile. i dont want to move. i dont want to sit. i dont want to fucking do anything. and that little voice in the back of my head has turned into the huge voice controlling every single thought in my head. everything makes me so upset, just because i have nothing left. things trigger memories. even random memories that dont have to do with anything make me start bawling. because im not making any memories now.. the past 3 weeks are just a total blur. cuz i never fucking did anything besides sit on my ass thinking about dying, the meaning of life, and how fucked up i am. god. this is just fucking terrible. i never thought itd be like this. ever.

DD:

this is weird writing in here. i havent talked about my feelings in a long long time, even to my therapist or my sister. ive been deathly afraid to let them out, because every time i have i lost someone. because no one likes someone like me. and now im basically sharing it all... which isnt too hard because its the internet and theres a million kids out there pouring their hearts out. but i dont know.. it still feels extremly weird to post stuff. not because im afraid what people will think (which i am terrified of btw), but just because i havent done it in sooo long. and when i did do it, i shared tiny tiny aspects of my huge fucked up shit hole. like that i just cut one time and that was it and i wont do it again (when i had cut every night for three years before that, and planned to do it that day and for a long time) and people left me. i found amazing friends, soo supportive and loving. so i stopped the act a little bit. just a tiny bit. and they left me. so to totally stop all the fake smiling, blinking back tears, and stupid excuses is just.. weird. and kind of scary. i know im not gonna lose someone from this, considering i have no one to lose.. ugh i dont know.

but im really confused about whos writing this.. i mean ive always always had a fake personality because i was afraid people would judge me, and now im writing down basically my exact thoughts. so is this the real me? or the fake person that has grown on me? or just no one? i think its no one. the "real" me died a longgg time ago.. and i dont even know who the fake person is. just a really bad actress who changes for every person.

kajsbevcajhe.

i hate how i cant get one person to talk to me or be friends with me.
ONE.
in real life, theres no chance in hell, obviously.
but even fucking online.
ive been as fake as i can be, cause its easy to do online.
still no one likes me.
ive pretended to be so many different people.
ive copied direct lines from people who everyone likes.
still, nothing.
the most i get is one message, then nothing ever again.
agghhh im so pathetic i cant even get a friend online.

i hate my lifeeee.
blehh.

god damn i have too many thoughts. i cant filter them out.. and their all extremely important. i have about a million, and each one makes me feel a certain emotion really hard, makes me want to either kill myself, cut, go rally somewhere, or scream and pull my hair out. ergh. im gonna go down some sleeping pills so i dont have to think. no scratch that... one of my crazy thoughts doesnt want me to. another one does though.. and one says this is pointless.. one is worrying about tomorrow (err today) and one is screaming.

yay! im officially insane.

fuckkk.

i need someone to talk to. and the weird teen steve thingy majig is def. not helping.. considering he doesnt even talk to me.

kay this makes no sense cuz im too consumed in my head. bye nobody.

fuck fuck fuck. kay after my little rant about animal cruelty and being vegan and shit, i went to peta.org and starting looking at stuff to help raise awareness and petition and shit. and im freaking out. its sooo overwhelming.. ahh. im dealing with my own messed up shit, and trying to turn my sister and mom vegan, while trying to find out what stuff actually is vegan, and now i need to help raise awareness in my fucked up conservative town. i cant stand to make conversation over the internet.. how the hell am i supposed to make conversation with random people on the street, telling them they're wrong and im right and shit? god. i think id rather set up a myspace about being vegan and helping people help their town.. ugh. its not enough i dont think.. but i cant do much else. id rather just die.. but at the same time i need to stop the torturing before i go.. god i cant sort out my thoughts right now.. there all over the place.

god... i cant stand how much shit is out there that has animal products in it or is tested on animals. its fucking unreal. so many ingredients are from milk, eggs, or butter, and so many more are slaughter byproducts. ugh. i hate it because its so hard to get food when everything out there has animals in it! mostly everything i get has the little vegan stamp on it, and i check all the ingrediants of things that don't say they're vegan, but then i get home and realize it has animals in it. i printed out this list of all the animal products (ill put the link to it at the bottom of the page), but its pretty fucking hard to go through a 5 page list trying to see if one of 20 ingrediants is in it for every ingrediant in every food im getting.

the food isnt even the worst part.. its the animal testing. i just went on the peta and so many companies test on animals. which is fine for me because i can deal with it (i mean fine for me in the way that i just wont use those products, not that its okay that they do that.) its my fucking mom and sister. my mom is totally paranoid about looking young, and uses a ton of anti-wrinkle serums, hair dye, face lotions and washes, self tanner, concealer, and tons more. my sister just uses lotion, face wash, concealer, and stuff like that. they refuse to not use brands that don't test on animals. which i can't believe. (i'll post a thing about my sister and mom and thier thing about being vegan and stuff later.. if i did it now id be typing for an hour.) they definatley wont stop using those products, as they "need" them, and they wont switch to another brand. i cant stand it. i have to go shopping with my mom because i have to regulate everything we buy to make sure it doesnt have animal products, and she puts tons of products that killed and tortured poor helpless animals, because she needs to look young. im pretty sure that animals being able to live, and not be tortured and mutilated is more important than a cream that doesn't make my mom look a second younger.

GODDD im so pissed off. just because all this torture and killing is going on and i cant stop it. ive tried so many times to tell my family about all of it, but they wont listen because they think they know it all, and they think im just doing to make them look bad or something. im doing it to save fucking innocent lives. im pretty sure that animals are more important than if they are annoyed by me. ugh. so i tried to get them to go online and read all the articles about how badly the animals are treated (which if anyone is reading, you should definatley do. trust me, if you havent looked at it before you have no fucking clue whats going on), and they dont. its so selfish and cruel.

so basically i am only going to buy stuff that is stamped vegan, no matter what. i will look up products that they can use. i will try my damnest to make them look at the websites and videps. i wont buy anything that was tested on animals. i will make my own housecleaning products that we can use. i will donate to animal charities. i will donate to companies who care about animals as i do. annnddd i will kill myself in the short future to save more lives, and so i dont have to witness all this pain and suffering.

whooh. kay sorry for that rant. please no one post rude comments. im not posting this to be arrogant or anything, i just want to help the innocent who cant help themselves. i dont want to know if you disagree with this. and please everyone reading this go to the websites i listed. they have lots of information that i can guarentee you you dont know. and please try to help the animals everyone.

this is a huge ass list of all the things done to animals, how to stop it, and the benefits of being a vegan.
http://www.vegansociety.com/html/facts/

this is petas page for animal testing.
http://peta.com/actioncenter/testing.asp

this has two lists of cosmetic companies- ones that test on animals, and ones that dont.
http://www.caringconsumer.com/resources_companies.asp

this has a little sidebar that contains facts for each animal, like cows, chickens, etc.
http://www.goveg.com/getactive.asp

HUGE list of all animal products.
http://www.caringconsumer.com/resources_ingredients_list.asp

i hate the feeling i get when i hear, see, or read people talking or having fun. or even talking about how they had fun before or whatever. i cant describe it, my stomach just folds into itself.. kind of like when your anxious, but not really. gahh i hate it! i was reading other peoples diarys and whenever someone talked about their boyfriend/girlfriend or even a friend, i felt that. and i wanted to cry. and its happening now too. its cuz i miss having that.. i miss complaining about what boy to choose, or crying because my friend was mad at me. now i have no one to worry over except myself. so whenever anyone has any interaction with anyone, i get all emotional cuz i know that i wont have that for a long ass time. also cuz i feel like such a loser, which i know i am. like who the hell has no friends whatsoever? this stupid anxiety took away everyone who i loved. and everyone who loved me. and it screwed everything over so badly.. god i need like one person to like me.. which is impossible cuz im too scared to make an actual conversation, without freaking out and trying to act like normal people, and making a stupid joke or just totally freezing up. i cant even talk over the internet. no, i cant talk anywhere. because this god damn disease or whatever you want to call it took away who i am. im nothing now except a scared, empty vessel.

god i hate being alone. especially when i know its gonna last for a long ass time.

god i hate myself. not in the way that i did something stupid, or im fat or something (which i did and i am but still). as in i hate everything about me. yes, everything.

the way i look.. my face is ugly as hell. im fat (fucking 115 pounds). my body is porportioned weird.

my personality is hell. i basically have none. ive been crazy socially anxious for so long that i never developed one. unless never talking, trying to copy what other people to, and crying all the time is a personality. which i hope to god it isnt. id rather not have one.

i also hate the fact that im so depressed, i want to die, and im amazingly anxious. i feel like i should be out, having fun with the 20 best friends that im supposed to have. not cooped up in the house, crying, cutting, pulling out my hair, blasting music, and writing stupid blog things. alot of times i cant believe that it has come to this. like im stunned that my life is where it is.

therapists always tell me im not alone in this, and theres so many people out there like me, but there cant be anyone like me. theres depressed kids, but they all have friends. everyone always has someone. except me. my depression and anxiety and suicidal ways have turned all the friends i had against me. they warded off everyone else before i even got to know them. and it sucks. it was totally unbarable to deal with this when i still had friends. now... its just impossible to explain how fucking hard it is.

i just went off on a tangent.. whoops. but i just have to add, that the reasons why i hate myself and how much i hate my life dont contribute to me wanting to die. well, i mean they do, but i would never act or even consider acting on my thoughts if they were because of me being upset... but i mean i already have lots of reasons, so it doesnt really matter much.

so i made a whole list of reasons why i should die... all of them are good enough on their own to make me want to die, if that makes sense. okay here we go.

1. nothing matters.
were born. some of us are happy, others, not so much. some people will try their hardest to make something out of themselves, others are just along for the ride, either from laziness or lack of desire. but we all die. no matter how many friends we make, no matter how much money we spend on making our lives better, we all die. every memory, every feeling is lost forever. once your gone, it wont matter what you thought or how you felt. maybe for a little bit if you have people who cared for you. but once those people are gone, every trace of you is gone, except for your rotting body beneath the earth.

2. the world fucking sucks.
there is tons of wars going on. innocent people are dying everyday. kids are starving and have less than a drop of water every day. the government censors practically everything. theres the whole global warming thing. the list can go on for ages, but the point is the world is a terrible, terrible place, and i do not want to be a part of it. i cant stand being here, knowing all that shits going on, and that no one can do anything to stop it.

3. people suck.
every human being is selfish, mean, and hypocrytical. everyone is annoying bitchy and just blows.

4. im the only one who's me.
i cant describe this for the life of me.. it barely even makes sense to me. just that i am me. like just i am expiriancing all of this and stuff. i dont know what that makes me want to die, but it does.

5. im contributing to the killing of animals.
this is the biggest one for me. im already a vegan, but its still not enough. because fucking EVERYTHING has animal products in it. farmers use animal products on their plants. so even fruits and veggies are contributing to the slaughter and torture of helpless animals. unless i go live in the woods or something ill be helping the killing.


no one seems to understand any of these, especially the last one. probably because most people dont want to die, and when people love their lives, its impossible for them to even consider why someone would feel this way. also, religious people wouldnt agree to the first one, and selfish ignorant people dont get the 2 and 5 ones. no one gets the 4 one. so that cancels out everyone. yup, im all alone.